Mixtape
by SylvanDaggers
Summary: Edward Elric plus Hogwarts equals chaos, plain and simple. Some days it is rigging the Shrieking Shack with alchemical traps, others there are herds of cattle stampeding through the corridor...or perhaps an underground student gambling ring? Whatever the case, there are simply too many crazy scenarios to be contained in a single, streamline story. All we can do now is click 'play'
1. Dumbledore Switch

a/n: In the face of several requests and my own nagging plot bunnies, here is the start of the foreshadowed one-shot series based off of the 'Just Kidding' end portions of _A Study in Alchemy!_ That said, any of these can be regarded as any other FMAxHP crossover, and any specifics about the timeline, canonicity, or general situation will be addressed at the beginning of each story. The actual a/n prompt will be posted at the beginning of each story so that those of you who want to can tell where I can coming from.

Updates will be sporadic as the mood to write strikes me.

Well, with that over with: thanks for reading! I hope you guys enjoy this.

Dumbledore Switch: _"Tune in next time to see Ed accidentally knock out Dumbledore and consequently be forced to impersonate him for the rest of the Harry Potter series!"_

Key:  
 _Thoughts or emphasis  
_ Normal text  
"Talking"

* * *

Dumbledore Switch

"Awww…" Head pounding behind his closed eyelids, Edward Elric rolled off the smooth stone floor onto his hands and knees. "…what the hell happened…happened…" He had opened his eyes, looking around at the unfamiliar room filled with moving pictures, lined with bookshelves, and cluttered with strange objects that either glowed (which was strange enough) or floated (which was impossible). "…Crap."

~o(0)o~

Hagrid stood uneasily outside of Dumbledore's office, debating on whether or not he should knock. He had just returned from helping young Harry get his school supplies in order, and he was anxious to finally hand over the Philosopher's Stone to the headmaster, but…

" &$%*#!" The string of muffled cursing (which Hagrid was at least relieved to recognize was the non-magical sort) had been going strong for over five minutes now, and it seemed unlikely that it would be stopping any time soon

"Hagrid?" Hagrid jumped at the sound and turned to face Professor McGonagall. "What are you doing out here?"

"Ah, Professor." Hagrid glanced at the closed door. "Well, you see..." He tailed off when he saw that the transfiguration teacher wasn't listening to him anymore. Instead, judging by the way her face reddened beneath her wide-brimmed hat, she appeared to have heard some of what Dumbledore was saying.

"Professor Dumbledore!" Without waiting for permission or even knocking, Minerva shoved past Hagrid and slammed open the door. "What in Merlin's name are you doing in here!"

Slipping in behind his old teacher, Hagrid watched as Dumbledore jumped in surprise at their sudden entrance and took on a guarded stance, arms coming up as if he preparing to block a punch. "What's going on here?!" The old man's voice was abnormally harsh as his gaze darted between Hagrid and Minerva.

"Um, I'm just devliverin' the package you asked me to pick up, Professor." Hagrid began, stepping forward and setting the paper-wrapped package on the desk in from of the ancient wizard.

"Right. The package. That I wanted you to give me." Dumbledore squinted at the parcel from behind his spectacles and slowly reached forward. Still looking between the package and Hagrid, the professor carefully untied the string and removed the paper around the Stone. The second the crimson gem was revealed, Dumbledore flinched.

"This is–!"

Hagrid nodded. "The Philosopher's Stone. Got it from Gringotts like you asked." Behind him, McGonagall remained back by the door. She seemed to be observing Dumbledore with the same suspicion the headmaster had shown the package.

Gingerly, Dumbledore picked up the Stone. "Do you know what this is?"

Hagrid stared at the headmaster. "I just told you, Professor." Hagrid thought the old wizard was acting very strange, but it was Dumbledore…

"No," The headmaster shook his head. "Do you know _how_ this is made?"

"Headmaster," Now McGonagall stepped away from the door, "You know as well as anyone that Nicholas and yourself are the only ones to have studied alchemy for decades."

"Right. Of course." Dumbledore edged away from the transfiguration teacher, the Stone held tightly in his grip. "Then if this is destroyed, no one will be able to make another?"

Hagrid cocked his head. "Why would you ask–"

 _SLAM! CLAP!_ Dumbledore smashed the Stone onto his desk and clapped his hands together. To Hagrid's amazement, when Dumbledore touched the Stone again, red sparks crackled and spun around the desk. The Professor could do wandless magic now?

Before he or McGonagall could say anything, a blinding flash of light filled the room. When Hagrid's eyes refocused, Dumbledore's desk was gone...along with the Stone. The headmaster stood over the place where his desk once sat, breathing heavily but looking oddly pleased with himself.

"Professor..." Hagrid began.

"Hagrid." Minerva's hand was suddenly on his shoulder, guiding him towards the door. "You should leave us for now. I'm sure there are things you need to prepare before the students arrive."

"Well, yes..." Hagrid made his way reluctantly to the stairs. "But what just–"

"Thank you, Hagrid." The groundskeeper managed one more concerned glance at Dumbledore before McGonagall shut the door. What just happened?

~o(0)o~

"Who are you?" The strangely dressed woman dropped her neutral facade as soon as the door closed behind the bushy-haired man who could have rivaled Major Armstrong in size.

Ed searched for an answer, trying to remember who they had mistaken him for. "Ah...Professor Mumbleroar?" The alchemist winced: even to his own ears he sounded unconvincing.

"No. You are not." The woman drew a slim stick out of the folds of her robes and pointed it at Ed's chest. _A weapon?_ "I'll only ask one more time: who are you, and why are you pretending to be Professor Dumbledore? It seems sloppy for an impersonator not to know their own target."

"I–" Things were moving too fast. One minute, Ed had been fighting beside Mustang in an secret chamber underground Central; the next, and the gold-toothed doctor was grinning at him as a portal of Truth opened beneath Ed's feet. But now? _Now?_ Here he was, in a completely different–not to mention in some parts physically impossible–room, having just destroyed a Stone, and this random stranger thought it was a good idea to yell at him! "Why the hell do you think I'm impersonating anybody?!"

The woman's eyes narrowed, but the stick did not waiver. "Are you claiming to normally look exactly like Albus Dumbledore?"

Ed gave himself a quick once-over. Yep, everything was still in place. Whatever had happened, Truth hadn't even had the decency to fix the tears in his clothes. "Maybe..." he began, "What does this 'Albus Dumbledore' person look like?"

Irritation flashed across the woman's face. "I don't have the patience to deal with this foolishness. _STUPIFY!"_

Red light shot out from the tip of the woman's stick, and Ed barely managed to get his automail up in time to block. The strange energy bounced off the prosthetic with a hiss, and the woman simply stared at Ed, stunned. Ed however, had also run out of patience.

The distance between them vanished as Ed sprinted forward, keeping low to avoid any more blasts, and before Minerva had time to blink she had been slammed to the ground. Ed pressed his automail to the woman's throat, having decided that the simple pressure of the metal would be enough to dissuade resistance without transmuting the blade. "Where. The hell. Am I?"

~o(0)o~

Minerva barely had time to register the fact that her stunning spell had been miraculously deflected when she found herself on the ground. Albus crouched over her, but the second his right arm touched her throat–

"Where. The hell. Am I?"

Oh, now she could see it–see _him_. Her eyes widened as the illusion of Dumbledore faded away to reveal a young man in torn and bloodied cloth. Tired golden eyes filled with confusion and a hint of rage peered out from behind matted and dirtied bangs of the same color. There was a cut above the young man's eye that seeped with crimson down his angular features, but he appeared to ignore it in favor of pressing his armored forearm harder into her throat.

"How do I get back to Central?"

Minerva's gaze twitched to her wand, but the instant the blond noticed where she was looking, the piece of fir was kicked from her hand.

"Where–" The witch tried to choke out. It was getting hard to breathe. "Where is Central?"

The blond's frown deepened. "It's in the capitol." Seeing the confused look on her face, he continued. "In Amestris. Next to Xing? Land-locked by Aerugo, Dracma, Creta, and the Eastern Desert?"

"I know none of those places." Minerva admitted. "You are a far way from home, Imposter."

The blond cursed, looking desperately around the room, as if seeking something familiar. Finally, he turned his gaze back on her. "Look. I don't want to hurt you." If anything, the young man's eyes seemed to lose some of their luster, and he didn't even bother trying to respond to her jibe at his identity. "If you promise you won't try anything with that stick of yours I'll let you get up. Deal?"

Minerva weighed her options. It would have been one thing if she knew where Dumbledore was or what had happened to the Stone, but as things stood, she was at this stranger's mercy wether or not she was being held at the throat. "Deal."

~o(0)o~

Ed was relieved that she had accepted his offer so quickly, and immediately pulled his automail from her skin. The woman sat up warily, rubbing her throat while her eyes never left the alchemist.

"So...names?" Ed prodded.

"Minerva McGonagall."

Strange. But the Fullmetal Alchemist had heard stranger. "Edward Elric." There was no reaction to his name, which at this point really shouldn't have surprised him.

"Hogwarts."

"Excuse me?"

"That's where you are: the office of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Scotland."

Ed let himself process that for a minute. "Alright. I've never heard of Scotland. What were you people doing with a philosopher's stone?"

"The headmaster wanted to guard it. What have you done with it?"

"Guard it?" Ed snorted, "Listen, lady. People do not just 'guard' philosopher's stones: they either use 'em or destroy 'em. I chose the latter."

Minerva opened her mouth, but then hesitated. "I...I agree. I had cautioned Albus that it should be destroyed, not locked away, but he didn't–"

"Wait, _magic_?" Ed's brain caught up to what Minerva had said, "I must have heard you wrong, because it sounded like you said this was a school for ' _witchcraft_ and _wizardry_ '."

The woman scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. "That–that's exactly what I said."

Ed couldn't help the grin that crept onto his face. "Because magic exists." He teased.

"It does." Minerva responded, her face completely serious.

Ed's grin faded. "Right, and I'm a wizard."

"And I'm a witch."

Ed's smile fell completely. This woman wasn't lying. But if she wasn't... He remembered the various floating objects in the office, and he was pretty sure the stick she had been waiving was a wand, and... "Crap, how the hell did Truth screw me over this time."

* * *

a/n: to be continued


	2. Black Books

a/n: Well, this is a relatively quick update, but I just had to get this out of my head. What started as a joke prompt has now turned into a long explanation on how gambling killed Voldemort.

Background: Takes place the year before _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_ (A.K.A Fred and George's second year at Hogwarts), but there is no specific time-range as far as FMA goes. Edward Elric teaches the students of Hogwarts about poker, sets up a black market gambling ring, and becomes a wanted criminal!  
 **Note:** This does not continue the story from the previous chapter

 **Key:** ** _  
_** _A key? Really?_ = Thought (or the occasional emphasis)  
 _Clap!_ = Sound effect  
There is nothing left to say. = Everything else  
~o(0)o~ = Change in viewpoint and/or time

* * *

 **Black Books Alchemy**

The Weasley twins were always at the center of any mischief at Hogwarts– so much so that if there was ever a prank, the teachers began to automatically assume the Weasleys had something to do with it. So it was with the infamous Black Books Scandal…except for once, things were different.

That time…it was a teacher who started it all.

~o(0)o~

Naturally, it was a Ravenclaw who first noticed Hogwarts had a new librarian. The student had entered the library for the first time that year, intent on returning a book she had borrowed over the summer. At the central desk sat a person with their head stuck deep in a thick tome, assumably Madam Pince. The girl walked up to the desk and set her book down.

When there was no reaction from the librarian, the Ravenclaw coughed. "Um, I returned my book, Madam Pince."

"Hm?" The Ravenclaw stiffened at the deep, unfamiliar voice. The librarian lowered the book to look at the girl, revealing that they– _he_ – was, in fact, _not_ Madam Prince. "Did you say something?" Golden eyes looked up from the text they had been devouring, the unusual gaze set into a chiseled face framed by unruly golden bangs. The rest of the man's hair was tied back in a neat braid that rested against the back of his long, brown coat.

The Ravenclaw squeaked in surprise at the sudden appearance of a stranger. She managed to point at the book and stammer out a small, "B-book… R-r-return," before practically fleeing from the library. She could feel the stranger's golden eyes following her all the way through the library doors.

 _Not Madam Pince, not Madam Pince, not Madam Pince._ She leaned up against a wall to catch her breath, now several corridors away from the library. _Mysterious stranger in the library. Mysterious_ blond _stranger in the library. Mysterious handsome blond stranger in the library. Handsome? Where did that come from? Where did_ he _come from? Does he work here now?_

As soon as the Ravenclaw had calmed down enough to think things through logically, she remembered Professor Dumbledore saying something about staff changes in the library. That had to mean the handsome–no, _blond_ man was a new librarian. With that in mind, the girl made her way quickly back to the Ravenclaw common room, excited to share the news about their handsome–no, _new_ librarian.

~o(0)o~

Edward Elric watched as the young girl ran out of the library…then shrugged and went back to his research. He had already skimmed over Hogwarts's collection– something the other staff members seemed amazed about, but it was hardly difficult: he had been there a full two months before the school year started. Now he was going back through and reading the texts he knew would be useful for his studies. It was a good thing Ed could never become bored in a library…

~o(0)o~

A month passed and no one had yet to discover anything about the new librarian beyond his name, what he looked like, and that you _really_ shouldn't call him short if you wanted to keep all of your House points. This didn't mean the students hadn't tried to learn more. The first few weeks of the term saw an _extraordinarily_ high number of female library-goers. Most of the girls watched the silent blond from behind the shelves, too self-conscious to try and strike conversation. A few brave souls took the indirect route: asking Mr. Elric (As they had come to discover was his name) to help them find a specific book. This method soon proved useless, as the blond librarian would walk over to the shelves and point to the requested book– all without saying a word or even looking up from whatever he happened to be reading at the time.

~o(0)o~

Nope. Edward Elric was _not_ bored in the middle of a ginormous library. Definitely not. There was no way. Not at all.

Sure, his mission was to learn about the wizarding world _and_ make connections, so he could try sucking up to the students and staff, but… _yeah, like hell I'm ever going to do that. Mustang will just have to settle for what I get without his stupid method of bootlicking._

So when the blond alchemist caught sight of two heads of flaming red hair sneaking through the isles, he practically jumped out of his seat to investigate.

 _Really, it_ _is_ _my job to know what happens in this library._ Ed reasoned.

With all the eagerness of a child stuck indoors for far too long, the alchemist trailed the redheads as they dodged and weaved their way to the back of the library. Their backwards glances and quick pace made it obvious that they were trying to avoid being spotted or followed, and Ed was only too happy to give them a false sense of security by ducking behind, rolling around, and twice even climbing on top of the shelves.

"Do you think anyone noticed, Fred?" One of the boys asked his brother, completely unaware of the alchemist crouched on the shelf above them.

"I don't think they did, George." The near-identical Gryffindors had finally stopped at a small, oaken table stuffed into the most poorly-lit, least-visited, farthest-back corner of the entire library. Had Ed not once used this same table during his first skimming of Hogwarts's collection, he would not have imagined such an obscure place existed within the castle walls.

"Where's Lee?" George wondered. Not a moment had passed before Ed spotted a head of dreadlocks bobbing their way towards them.

"Sorry I'm late." The boy, who must have been Lee, said as soon as he saw the twins waiting. "I brought the dice, though."

"And we have the cards." Fred added.

Unseen by the trio, the alchemist's face broke into a wide grin. _A secret meeting? Cards and dice? Identical twins and a dude with dreadlocks? Where have these kids been until now?_ This was the most excitement the blond had seen since leaving Amestris, and the strong sense of rule-breaking permeating the air made the scene all the more enticing to him.

"What took you so long?" George glanced dramatically at a non-existent watch. "We nearly _died_ of boredom waiting for you."

"I took the long way 'round." Lee explained, though he suspected that the twins had only just gotten there. "Since Mr. Elric wasn't at his desk, I wanted to avoid bumping into him on the way here at all costs."

The twins stiffened. "He wasn't…" George began.

"…At his desk?" Fred finished slowly. "But we would have passed by there only seconds before you did…"

"…And he was reading there like normal…" The group of second-years suddenly looked nervous and began glancing at the shelves around them suspiciously.

"…Where could he have gone?" Fred asked, his voice a whispered thought more than a question to the others.

 _Well now, this is just too good of an opportunity to pass up._ Ed climbed silently down from the shelf to stand behind the trio before letting his face slip into the most conniving, evil smirk he could manage (the one he fondly referred to as 'The Mustang').

He leaned forward, his face only inches from the trio's backs. "I think I might be able to answer that one."

If asked, Ed would have been lying if he said that seeing the boys spring into the air screaming like schoolgirls was anything less than the most enjoyable thing he had done in months.

~o(0)o~

"Sooo…" Fred began, leaning forward in his chair. He wasn't sure what Elric's angle was, but it seemed as if…

"…We aren't in trouble?" George completed, looking incredulously at the blond librarian.

The man snorted, "And why would you be in trouble? It's not as if you've broken any school rules."

"Not broken– _are you seeing this_?" Lee gestured at the incriminating pile of dice and decks–both rigged and fair–lying at the center of the table the four of them were sitting at. Fred shot a warning glance at Lee, trying to tell him to let it go while they were ahead, but the other boy ignored it.

Elric raised an eyebrow as he looked between the pile and the three Gryffindors. "Are you telling me that Hogwarts has placed a specific rule against friendly games within school grounds?" When the trio shook their heads, the blond grinned widely and spread his hands. "Then what's the problem? All _I_ see are the makings of a student-led gaming tournament that will take place in the library under my supervision. And if the other staff members don't know about it…well, I don't think that matters too much, does it?"

Fred and George glanced at each other. _Is he being serious? I think he is…Bloody hell, when are we going to get a chance like this again?_

"Alright…" George started. "…Say we start this 'student led gaming tournament' here in the library–"

"–What's the catch?" Fred finished.

"Equivalent exchange?" If anything, the librarian's grin grew wider. "I knew I liked you guys. I only want two things: I get to play if I want, and I want one item that only I can gamble."

The trio hardly needed time to consider. The decision was unanimous. "Deal!"

~o(0)o~

"Last call for bets on Matthews against Dremel. Last bets."

"Opening on table three for exploding snaps."

"One transfiguration essay and two potions hints! Nice haul, man!"

Held once a week, the Black Books Tournament had become the one of most popular Hogwarts pastimes practically overnight, only surpassed by the house quidditch matches. Dealing mainly in homework, supplies, food, and other such items, members of the club were able to gamble with other houses without worrying about teachers interfering.

"Hey, George, can you think of any reason we shouldn't allow the new Zonko's products for bets?"

"None at all, dearest brother! Send them in!"

Officially, the Weasley twins ran the tournament–scheduling tourney dates, setting the limits on bets and payment, and securing the necessary games–and one could always count on seeing Lee Jordan joking around with students waiting to get in on a game. However, the students who frequented the club soon discovered the shadowed power behind the redheads: the enigmatic , supervisor and apparent benefactor of all the proceedings at the Tournament.

"Is Elric coming today?"

"I think he's sitting in on the poker game over at table five."

"Awesome. I think I'll go try my luck."

"Hold it! Are you insane? No one ever wins against Elric, and he only bets 'favors'."

"Aw, come on. It can't be that bad."

The twins didn't know where the blond librarian had found the Tournament's meeting room, but judging by how it had spontaneously appeared on the Maurauder's Map the afternoon after their discussion with him, they concluded that Elric had somehow created an new room beneath the library. It had been small at first–three round tables (made from the same material and apparently fused with the stone floor) and a countertop that spread the length of the room for making bets and purchasing snacks–but Fred and George suspected some kind of expanding enchantment had been placed on the room. After all, how else could the room now hold over twelve tables, a small dance floor, and its own bathroom?

"Password?"

" _Not worth the trouble_."

"Alright, come in."

There were four possible exits from the Tournament, one for each house that would come out near the students' common rooms, but the only entrance was at the back of the library and required a new password every Tournament. The secret operation had been running for well over four months now, and the other staff members were only beginning to catch wind that something strange was going on in the library.

"Craaaaap. I can't believe I lost another favor to Elric. Do you have any idea what he made me do last time?"

"Did it have something to do with Peeves filling the entire fourth floor with rubber ducks? Or was that Davis?"

"Davis. Thank Merlin for that: did you see McGonagall's face afterwards? I did _not_ want to be in Davis's shoes when she found him."

"Hey, maybe it won't be so bad: I heard that Elric's stopped cashing in his favors."

"You kidding? That's what scares me the most!"

~o(0)o~

"Good morning, Mr. Elric."

Ed nodded in greeting as Professor McGonagall sat down next to him at breakfast. He continued to eat his food, but after a long stretch of silence he glanced over at the transfiguration teacher. She was staring at him. "PhWaht?" Ed asked through his bite of toast.

"Mr. Elric, do you think the students seem particularly… _rebellious_ this year?"

And there it was. Ed would have applauded the woman's forwardness had he not caught her and her fellow staff members stealing glances at him in the halls and taking particularly long strolls through the library shelves. He knew he was being watched. He knew they suspected him of something.

He also knew that they had no clue _what_ exactly they were looking for and had no proof that it existed. Ed had been careful to keep things that way.

So the Elric shrugged, "How would I know? This is my first year working here."

Ed watched as the witch mentally conceded the point. "But you haven't noticed any odd behaviors during your stay?"

Now Ed laughed. "What, you mean like ghosts wandering the halls, a herd of centaurs in a forbidden forest, and a headmaster who bases all of his passwords on candy?" The alchemist shook his head and stood from his seat. "Sorry, Professor. Haven't seen a thing."

As he left the Great Hall, he could feel several sets of eyes following his progress. One, he was sure, belonged to the still-suspicious McGonagall. The others however…Ed glanced over to where the Weasley twins were watching him from behind a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ and gave them a small nod. From now on they would have to monitor the castle more carefully if they wanted to keep their operation, well, _operating_.

~o(0)o~

"Ed!" The twins banged frantically at the librarian's door, barely keeping their voices at a whisper in the darkened hallway. "Ed, let us in! They found it!" There was a muffled curse from behind the heavy, wooden door, and the Gryffindors heard a metallic bang seconds before the door swung open to reveal their favorite teacher.

"Who found it?" Inside Ed's rooms, the fireplace was still burning and the wall lamps were already lit. The blond was already dressed in his usual black slacks, leather boots, and white gloves, and his brown coat was slung over the open lid of a suitcase.

George looked at his brother. "Ed, have you–"

"–Slept at all?" Fred finished.

The librarian ran a hand through his unruly bangs and sighed. "Not really. Sleep isn't that important at the moment." He turned his golden eyes on the pair. "Now: who found what, and how long do I have until they get here?"

"Well, we were watching the map like you asked us to, and just a few minutes ago some unfamiliar names entered the library." Fred pulled out the Marauder's Map and spread it across the floor, tapping the parchment with a quick whisper to activate it.

"Unfamiliar?" Ed asked, not even turning to look as he crammed a stack of notebooks into his suitcase.

George nodded. "Yeah. If they're not from around here, the best bet is that they're from the Ministry. Crap!"

Ed whipped around, his hands raised defensively. "What is it?"

"They're in the room." Fred supplied, pointing his wand at the cluster of inky dots moving around underneath the room labeled 'Library.'

The librarian frowned, turning back to what he had been doing now that there wasn't an immediate threat. "And?"

"And so we have maybe ten minutes before they get here."

"Five if they find the exit closest to the Hufflepuff commons." George added. "Maybe they won't think it's you?" He suggested optimistically, sending a hopeful glance at the blond, who was now flinging items with greater speed into his trunk.

"Right. They've been tailing me for weeks and now they find a secret room in the library." Ed's voice dripped with sarcasm as he closed the clasps on his luggage and swung to face the twins. "I'm sure they'll suddenly decide I have nothing to do with it."

The twins stayed silent as their soon to be ex-librarian slipped his coat on and turned off the lamps. Soon, the only light came from the fireplace, casting strange shadows around the small living quarters.

"Do you really have to go?" George asked, even as he knew the answer.

"You haven't even cashed in the favors the other students owe you." Fred added, though not with any hope that it would get the blond to stay. It wasn't often that the twins managed to find a kindred soul to theirs–one that was just as willing to pull pranks, break the rules, and perhaps be even more devious–but they had found one in Elric, and now that he was leaving…

"Catch." The blond tossed something at the brothers, causing them to scramble to catch the small, glittering object. Fred stared at the galleon in his palm–or, more accurately, the broken-off _half_ of a galleon. Before either brother could ask, Ed continued, "Professor Dumbledore gave me a portkey a while back so that I could get back home at a moment's notice if I ever needed to. He never specified a location or time; he said I could just whisper it in myself when I needed to." The blond gestured at the broken coin. "That's half of it," He pulled out another half galleon. "And I'll keep the rest. Use it when you need most: it won't work more than once."

The twins stared blankly at the older man. "And how are we supposed to do that?" They chorused.

"I divided it into to parts, so if you give your half a specific time, I'll have until then before my half gets sucked over to wherever you are." Ed walked over to the back wall of his room and pushed at the stone, revealing a hidden passage that would go to who-knows-where. "Use it when your lives depend on it."

"But–"

"Why are you giving this to us–"

"–When you could use it to escape the Ministry now?"

The blond raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought you guys understood equivalent exchange: the two of you made this assignment a hell of a lot more interesting than I ever hoped." For the first time that night, Ed smiled, the bright gold of his eyes becoming molten in their intensity. "I owe you guys a favor."

The twins's eyes widened, and they stared at the coin as if it was worth a thousand of its kind. Elric never owed anyone a favor. Ever.

"Ed…" But the blond had already slipped away, leaving the brothers to make a hasty exit back to Gryffindor tower before the Ministry wizards reached the librarian's empty quarters.

~o(0)o~

"Any news?" The twins chorused as soon as Lee got back from the owlry.

The other boy shook his head. "Nothing." The brothers flopped back onto their bed in frustration, releasing identical sighs of frustration. Lee joined them after closing the door to their dorm room, "Think the Ministry found him?"

"Elric?" Fred's voice came out muffled, the redhead not having bothered to lift his head out of his sheets. It had already been a week since the blond librarian had been chased out of Hogwarts, a whole crew of Ministry officials on his heels. None of the students had gotten in trouble: how could the Ministry prove that anyone else was involved when not a single student was caught? If anything, it was a testament to Elric's popularity and amount of favors that no one said a word about the weekly tournaments.

"Nah," George tossed his wand into the air. Flip, catch. Flip, catch. "If anything, _he_ probably found the _Ministry_ and is causing chaos without us."

"Yeah, that sounds like him." Lee admitted. Flip, catch. Flip, catch. "We'll hear from him eventually– OW!" Lee clutched at his eye and chucked the wayward wand back at George. The twin grinned as he caught the stick out of the air and twirled it around his fingers, laughing at the other Gryffindor even as his thoughts wandered to the half-galleon in his pocket.

No, they had no doubt they would hear about Elric again. Even if they had to drag him back themselves.

~o(0)o~

"Fullmetal, I thought I told you to gain the wizards' trust and, if possible, loyalty. _This–_ " Roy Mustang slapped the moving headline of the Daily Prophet which, in large letters, described the 'scandalous fraud' of the 'Ministry liability' of an 'escaped criminal running free across the English countryside' whose description _may_ have looked a little (exactly) like Ed. "–is the _furthest_ possible thing from trust."

The younger alchemist seemed unconcerned by his superior's wrath and simply leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs as he waved away the colonel's concerns. "Ah, give it time, hot-head. They'll forget about it soon enough, and after that you'll see my genius."

"There's a _small_ chance of that, Fullmetal." Roy hid his smirk behind his gloves as he perched his chin on his hands. "Go ahead and write you report: just make sure it isn't too _short_."

The colonel enjoyed seeing the elder Elric twitch in anger, especially since Hawkeye was close by and wouldn't let Ed start a shouting match during working hours. Of course, that wouldn't hold once Roy was out of the office, and Fullmetal was known to hold grudges for a long time…

"Crap." The Flame Alchemist dejectedly wrote his signature at the bottom of Fullmetal's report once the blond had left. "Looks like I'll be sleeping in the office again."

~ _Years Later~_

Fred glanced at his watch: 11:30. He looked over at George, "Think it will still work?" The pair were crouched behind a statue in the second-floor corridor, the crumbling pedestal having been the quickest place to hide during the momentary lull in the battle.

George nodded. "Go for it. What do we have to lose?" Even after all the years that had passed since they had met the mysterious librarian, they had still held onto Elric's portkey, keeping the half-galleon on one of their person's at all times. If there was any time to call on the blond's aid, it was now: Hogwarts was being over-run by Death Eaters as they spoke.

Fred pressed the cold metal to his lips, "Midnight." The coin grew warm to the touch, and the twins could only hope that meant it was working. Surely Hogwarts could last until midnight. Surely.

~o(0)o~

 _Is something burning in my pocket?_

Ed flipped backwards to dodge one of Armstrong's 'passed down through the generations' stone missiles.

 _Wait, no. That's–_

He had barely touched the ground before he was forced into a diving roll to avoid being impaled by several spikes shooting from the earth beneath him.

 _Clap!_

The sound rang through the room seconds before Ed slammed his hands to the ground, alchemical energy sparking from his fingertips as great walls of rock rose to envelope the major.

"Ha ha! You are mistaken if you believe that such meager walls shall contain the might of the Armstrong family!" Armstrong's muffled voice called out jovially from inside the transmuted dome. Ed knew the major was right, but the alchemist had more pressing concerns at the moment: _So they finally decided to call in their favor_.

"Sorry, Armstrong! I need to go talk to the Colonel!"

The dome exploded to reveal a now-shirtless Strong Arm Alchemist. "But your assessment!" His sparkles accentuated the protest.

"Later!" Ed sprinted toward's the exit but looked back when he reached the doors, motioning with one gloved hand for Armstrong to follow. "Are you coming or what?"

"Certainly!"

And so it was that the quiet, productive atmosphere Lt. Hawkeye had enforced over the office was utterly shattered when Edward Elric and Alex Louis Armstrong kicked open the office doors and started yelling for everyone to form a circle.

~o(0)o~

George grinned as Percy announced his "resignation" to the Minister in the form of a jinx.

"You're joking, Perce!" Fred shouted with glee as he stunned the Death Eater he was dueling. "I don't think I've heard you joking since you were–"

The air exploded. They had been grouped somewhat together (Harry, Ron, and Hermione having just joined the fight), but George felt himself being blasted back as the wall of the corridor exploded. He did his best to shield his head and hang on to his wand as he slammed into the opposite wall. Rubble rained down around him as a gust of heat swept through the corridor. He heard screams and yelling from all around, but there was still too much dust in the air to see what–

"What the hell, Mustang?! Don't just go blasting through walls! What if you hit someone?" A strangely familiar voice shouted angrily through the smoke. George tried to remember who the voice belonged to but was coming up blank.

"Oh, and I suppose it's my fault that you forgot to mention we were entering a war zone?" This voice was completely unknown to the Weasley, cutting through the dust with authority.

"Ungh…" Beside him, Fred was propping himself up on one elbow.

"Fred!" George knelt next his twin and checked him for injuries. There was a small cut on Fred's forehead that dripped blood across the left side of his face, but he otherwise seemed fine.

"Who are you?" That was Harry's voice. George looked away from his brother to see Harry and Hermione standing with their wands fixed on the silhouettes becoming more visible by the second as the dust cleared. With a terse command and flick of her wand, Hermione dispersed what remained of the cloud.

"Elric. He's Edward Elric." George answered. The golden-eyed librarian looked past Harry's wand to spot Fred and George crouched in the rubble, a familiar grin tugging at his lips. He looked older than the last time the twins had seen him (though that was to be expected), and his clothes had changed from the inconspicuous, muted brown coat and black slacks to tight leather pants, a silver-lined black jacket, and a startlingly crimson cloak. Despite the change in Ed's appearance, the excited fire in his golden eyes was the same as the day he had left.

"Long time no see!" Ed jerked a gloved hand behind him, and George noted mutely that his other hand held a long, iron spear. "Hope you don't mind that I brought the calvary!"

Behind the former librarian stood five imposing figures in blue military uniforms, several of them sporting muggle guns or rune-covered circles.

Harry glanced back at the twins, confusion written plainly across his face. "You know these people?"

"Yep." Ed gestured at the military personnel behind him, "We're here to help. Just direct us to who needs their ass kicked– assuming that's why you called me?"

George helped his brother to his feet and together they strode over to their long-lost partner in mischief. "You remember Voldemort, right?"

The blond snorted, "Don't tell me _that_ joke of a Dark Lord is back." Apparently the wizards' faces were enough of an answer. "Riiiight. Okay. And his followers too, I suppose?" George nodded.

"Who am I shooting at, Chief?" A tall soldier with a blond crew-cut and a cigarette dangling from his lips had elbowed his way through the group to stand next to Ed.

"Black cloaks and masks." Elric directed, gesturing at one of the unmoving Death Eaters sprawled across the corridor's floor.

"And spiders, giants, and dementors." Chimed Fred.

Ed rolled his eyes. "Right, so if you see students fighting them, there's a good chance they're the bad guys. Find a bald dude with red eyes and no nose and you've got their leader."

"Got it." A black-haired man slipped on a pair of embroidered gloves as he strode away, taking with him the majority of the group. "Non-lethal or no prisoners?"

George saw the golden trio take a step back at the feral grin spread across Ed's features. "Don't hold back, Colonel."

Seconds after the group turned the corner at the end of the corridor, explosions began rocking the castle's foundations and staccato gunshots peppered the noise of chaos. The look on Ed's face hadn't change, however, so the twins weren't too concerned.

"Hey." George offered his hand. "Thanks for coming."

Ed ignored the hand and clapped him on the shoulder. "Of course I did: I owed you two a favor." Another blast shook the corridor and the blond smiled wider, turning to jog in the opposite direction the other group had gone as he waved at the twins over one shoulder. "Kick butt, don't get shot, and have a hell of a time!"

The identical brothers snapped into a sharp salute. "Yes, Sir!"

"'Shooting'?" Ron muttered. "Isn't that…?"

"A muggle thing?" Harry completed. "Yeah. It is." The Boy Who Lived raised an eyebrow at the twins. "Who was that?"

"The Hogwarts Librarian," The twins' grins were identical as they skipped past the trio to follow Ed. "Who else?"

~o(0)o~

Years later, when asked, Lee Jordan would always say he could remember the exact moment Voldemort lost the Battle of Hogwarts. How? Well, it was the same moment a stone fist shot out of the floor and punched the Death Eater he had been dueling out the nearest window.

"What the bloody…" Lee stuck his head through the broken glass and peered down at the heaving battleground. There was no sign of the dark wizard, though that could be blamed on the thick swarm of acromantula skittering over the rocks below.

"Jordan!" The excited shout pulled the Gryffindor away from the window, his gaze following the voice to–

" _Ed_?"

The blond librarian who couldn't _possibly_ be there jogged towards him with a grin. "Nice to see you again, Lee!"

Lee still didn't believe it. "Edward bloody freaking Elric?!"

"Um, yeah. You just said that…" Ed frowned. "Did I accidentally graze you with the transmutation?"

"With your _what?"_ Lee sputtered. "Why–? How are you–?" Instead of an answer, the blond's gaze suddenly hardened. There was a sharp clapping sound, and Lee found himself being shoved onto the ground. "What–? Oh…Bloody hell…"

The Death Eater that had apparated behind Lee only moments ago was choking on their own blood, their wand clattering to the floor from limp fingers. With an ease that spoke of countless hours of practice, Elric slid the foot-long blade attached to his arm out of the dark wizard's side. Ed casually wiped the dripping crimson from the weapon as the Death Eater fell past him on the way to the floor. Then the librarian clapped again, and the blade retracted… _into his metal arm?!_

"You alright?" Lee realized the blond was staring at him, one hand offered to help him off the floor. Thankfully, it was Ed's normal hand (or at least what Lee had always assumed was his normal hand–now he wasn't so sure), so Lee took it and was pulled back to his feet.

"Thanks, Ed." Lee poked at the Death Eater with one foot. "Um…I don't suppose you…?"

"Killed him?" The blond gave a hollow laugh. "No, but if you don't do something to stop the bleeding he won't live to see the end of the battle." From beyond the window, a huge ball of fire crashed into a regiment of dementors, incinerating the soulless creatures in an instant. "That's my cue!" Elric slapped Lee happily on the shoulder. "Nice seeing you again, Lee."

Then the librarian jumped out the window.

 _Right. Ed's here. He has a metal arm. I need to stop a Death Eater from bleeding out. Ed jumped out the window. Right. Okay. I'm Confounded, aren't I? I have to be, right?_

Then a large, muscle-bound, and _sparkling_ man with no shirt came skipping through the hall, punching Death Eaters left and right as he launched into a speech about "glorious technique" and something about "many generations"… and Lee decided not to question it.

~o(0)o~

Voldemort was in disbelief. What had happened to his legions of giants? His dementor allies? His devoted Death Eaters? The reports were coming in, and it appeared as if his forces were being blasted away– _literally_ in some cases–while Harry Potter's pitiful 'army' had been handed hardly a single casualty! It was ridiculous! Couldn't anyone be trusted to do their job competently anymore?

The Dark Lord sighed, "If you want to get something done you have to do it yourself." Twirling around, he apparated himself and Nagini directly into the battle in the Hogwarts courtyard. The place was utter chaos with explosions, spells, and even people being thrown through the air.

Voldemort spotted Bellatrix dueling that Weasley woman and opened his mouth to summon her to his side. "Bella–"

 _Bang!_

Like a puppet whose strings had been cut, Bellatrix's knees folded under her and she crumpled to the ground. There was a bullet hole in her forehead.

The Dark Lord's forehead scrunched together in confusion.

 _Bang!_

Across the courtyard, Dolohov fell onto a pile of rubble–never to rise again.

 _Bang! Bang!_

Voldemort barely managed to get a shield up in time, the… _muggle bullets?…_ pinging off his defensive magic with little sparks of emerald light. "Who _dares_ attack Lord Voldemort with primitive muggle weapons?!" He roared, flicking his wand to block another round of bullets. Far above him in a nondescript window, the blond sniper smiled as her target wasted time searching for her. Unfortunately for Voldemort, there was no way for him to know that bit. "I will make your deaths–ack!"

Voldemort stumbled forward. Something had made him– _oh._ Looking down, the wizard saw an iron spear sticking out of his chest.

"Hey. Die already." There was a sharp tug, and the spear was yanked out roughly from behind. Against his will, Voldemort's knees buckled, forcing him to kneel on the cobblestones.

Trying to regain some composure, Voldemort turned his head to glare at his attacker. "You think a paltry weapon could ever kill me?" He spat at the young blond man. "Foolish brat! You cannot kill an immortal!" All around them, the battle had stuttered to a halt, the entire wizarding world hanging on their breath as they waited to see what would happen next.

The unfamiliar _child_ seemed to consider this for a moment. Golden eyes stared into Voldemort's red, searching until– "Horcrux, then."

The dark lord's face fell…and promptly turned back into a malicious grin. _There was no way they would ever_ –

The blond pointed to where Nagini was slithering through the rubble in a desperate attempt to escape. "Mustang! Snake!"

A man in a blue military uniform stepped forward out of the rank of wizards and pointed a gloved hand towards Nagini.

 _How ridiculous!_ Voldemort scoffed, _As if anything short of basilisk venom or Fiend Fyre could–_

 _Snap. BOOM!_

Tom Riddle watched his final horcrux turn to ash and the soul inside disperse in the cinders. He knew then that he was doomed.

The blond at his side hefted his spear once more. "What was that about being immortal?" The iron blade was thrust forward into the Dark Lord's heart, and Tom Riddle left the world for the last time.

~o(0)o~

Upon seeing the snake-like man crumble into dust with Fullmetal's final attack, Mustang strode towards his subordinate. He had gone along with Edward's request so far simply because he had been magically dragged from his office into a war zone, but now it was time for answers.

"When are you going to tell me what this is all about, Fullmetal?" Roy demanded.

Ed smiled as he looked up from the pile of wizard powder, "You remember that mission to get the wizard's 'trust and loyalty' a few years back?" He gestured at the stunned mass of victorious wizards with his spear, raising his voice so that the whole assembly could hear him. "Hey! Looks like the lot of you owe me a favor."

And that was how, through gambling, defeating the Dark Lord, and a little help from the Weasley twins, Edward Elric took over Magical England.


	3. Stage Blood

a/n: Thank you to all of you who read and reviewed the last chapters! I loved getting to see your feedback.

 **Background** **:** Takes place during _Prisoner of Azkaban_ , and for those of you who read _A Study in Alchemy_ it actually could fit into the story.  
 **Prompt:** Ed discovers Honeydukes's blood-flavored lollipops, subsequently buys all of them, and pranks his students into thinking he is a vampire by eating them in class and avoiding sunlight.

 **Note:** This does not continue the story from the previous chapter

 **Key:** ** _  
_** _A key? Really?_ = Thought (or the occasional emphasis)  
 _Clap!_ = Sound effect  
There is nothing left to say. = Everything else  
~o(0)o~ = Change in viewpoint  
~~~v~~~= Time skip

Notable differences from A Study In Alchemy (if anyone cares): Ed both lives and teaches in the dungeons, he teaches second-years (so Luna and ginny qualify), and the twins have yet to establish a relationship with Ed.

* * *

 **Stage Blood**

Ed yawned and sat up in bed, stretching his back to get rid of the stiffness that always came with sleep. He squinted towards where his clock hung on the wall, but it was too dark to see. A glance towards the fireplace showed that the hearth had burned itself out sometime during the night. Was it still night? It felt like morning.

With a shrug, Ed pushed himself out of bed. There was the slight _chink_ of metal as his automail connected with the floor, and the alchemist winced as his bare foot came in contact with the freezing stone. He held onto the vain hope that his room would warm up more as the day passed, but that was unlikely to happen seeing as his rooms were in one of the lowest parts of the dungeon. Too tired to be bothered to light a fire, Ed simply tugged on a pair of socks before slipping into his usual boots.

Another yawn escaped his mouth as he made his way into the corridor, and Ed contemplated whether he should try to grab some breakfast from the Great Hall or just go straight to the kitchens.

Bong!

Ed frowned at sound of the bell. _I didn't think it was late enough for classes yet. Wait…was that–_

Bong!

 _Crap!_ Ed broke into a sprint through the corridor and up the dungeon stairs. _I was supposed to help supervise the Hogsmead trip today!_

The alchemist crested the stairs with a grunt of effort, only to stumble backwards a moment later with a hiss of discomfort. A few groups of students looked at him strangely, but Ed was too busy shielding his eyes from the morning sun blazing through the front doors directly onto his face.

"Ack!" Ed swung back into the shadows. Not taking the time to light his fire that morning apparently had it's consequences. As he stood back in the stairway, glaring at the students who stared at him, the alchemist realized that in addition to the crippling sunlight, frigid air was rushing through the massive open doors. _Why is–_

An effort to crane his head gave Ed a glimpse of the winter wonderland covering the castle grounds. "Perfect. Just what I needed on the _one_ day I volunteer."

~~~v~~~

"…Professor Elric, are you sure you're alright?"

"Hmm?" Ed peered out from the brim of his thick, knit cap. "Hwy shudni e?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "What?"

The alchemist lowered the scarf covering his mouth before repeating, "Why shouldn't I be?"

"It's just…" Hermione began.

"You look like you're trying to drown yourself in fabric." Ron finished.

Indeed, with his double-layer of coats, an extra-thick pair of pants, wooly gloves, and several scarves, the alchemy teacher was practically swimming in winter clothing. Ed was taking no chances with his automail: if Winry got called down here because he got frostbite again he wouldn't make it to next semester. Thus, every conceivable piece of skin was tightly bundled against the cold.

"I'm not used to the cold yet." Ed said, abruptly pulling the scarf back up to where it had rested on the bridge of his nose. The kids shared a look with each other before continuing on, and Ed noticed their occasional glances backwards, clearly still concerned that he would manage to come down with heatstroke in a blizzard.

Ed trudged down the crowded street, fully intending to find a pub, sit next to the fire, and wait until this was all over. Or at least he was.

A large, colorful sign caught his eye, and if that wasn't enough to draw the alchemist, a bustling crowd of students spilled continuously into and out of the building.

 _Honeydukes…_ Ed found himself drawn towards the sweets shop. He normally wouldn't have enjoyed pushing his way through the squirming mass of students, but he had a sudden urge to find out what was so good that nearly half the school would cram itself into the small building.

"Cauldron Cakes! New batch of Cauldron Cakes!"

"Hey, can you grab me a couple of sugar quills?"

"But you _have_ to try the exploding bonbons."

"Honey, can you grab a box of jelly slugs? We're almost out up here."

Ed skirted the edge of the crowd, keeping to the walls of the shop until he found his way to a relatively calm corner. He ignored the students already there and looked around.

Frosted spiders, acid pops, scaly chocolates, and something dubbed only as "cocroach" clusters filled the corner, and all of a sudden Ed knew why hardly anyone was over there. He was just about to turn away when he noticed a large box of crimson suckers, a tag on the front showing that thy were on clearance. Curious, the alchemist lifted one of the sweets and held it up to the light.

 _Blood-flavored lollipops, eh?_ The beginnings of an idea began to form in Ed's mind. _Take off the labels and these would be_ _perfect_ _for Mustang._

Grinning, the alchemist tossed the candy back into it's bin and then proceeded to pick up the whole box. It would be a bit of a struggle to make it to the counter, but it would be worth it to freak out the Colonel.

Unknown to Ed, several students were staring after him.

"Did–did you just see that?" Ron asked, looking between Hermione and the space where Harry stood invisibly.

"I'm sure there's a logical explanation." Hermione said, but her brows drew together all the same as the professor stomped happily out the door with his bulk purchase of blood lollipops.

Dean wandered over to the group and glanced around, "Hey, was Professor Elric just over here? I thought I could ask him about that last alchemy assignment."

"You just missed him." Hermione answered, and the other Gryffindor turned to leave

"But…" Ron's voice made Dean pause. "Why blood lollipops? It's not like he's a vampire."

~~~v~~~

"Ed, are you a vampire?"

"Nope." The question came so suddenly that Ed had answered and taken a full bite of eggs before the words even registered. "Wait, what?!"

Lupin held up his hands in defense as he took his seat next to the alchemist. "I thought so. Just wanted to check this time."

Ed nodded his appreciation, "Thanks, but why?"

Lupin looked between Ed and the tables of students eating dinner. "You hadn't heard? There's a popular rumor going around that you enjoy sucking blood and sleeping in coffins. Apparently you were spotted buying a shipment of blood-flavored lollipops from Honeydukes yesterday."

The alchemist frowned. "Well that doesn't mean I'm–" Ed froze, his mind spinning as he ran through the conversation. After a moment of thought Ed grinned and leaned in closer to Lupin. "On second thought: I'm a vampire."

~o(0)o~

"Miss Brown, can you name one of the noble gases?"

"Um…" The Gryffindor snapped out of her daydream and looked over to Pavarti for help. The other girl did her best to silently mouth the question, and Lavender nodded her thanks. "Uh, Argon?"

She glanced up to see if Elric had caught her near-slip, only to be met with the sight of the normally serious blond relaxing onto of his desk, taking licks from a lollipop. A crimson lollipop. _Merlin, were the rumors true?!_

~o(0)o~

"Now you will notice here that the hinkypunks have several varieties to be found across the world, each identifiable by the type of lantern they carry."

 _Knock knock knock_

Dean sat up in his seat as Professor Lupin stopped the lesson and looked to the back of the room. "Who is it?"

"Elric."

As one, the students shifted in their seats to get a better look at the door. Dean thought back to the rumors floating around the school. Was the alchemy teacher really going to come in here? But there were tons of windows and it was the middle of the afternoon!

Lupin coughed to get their attention, and once they were all facing forward again, he flicked his wand. One by one, cobweb-coated shudders slammed into place over the windows, sending the room into near darkness. Now the only light came from the bulls-eyed lantern carried in the example hinkypunk's claws. "You can come in."

"Thank you." If Dean wasn't watching as Elric came into the room, he would never have believed it: Elric asking for permission? Elric _thanking_ someone? The alchemy teacher nearly kicked down the classroom door whenever he came into his normal classes.

Lupin made his way down the aisle. "Did you need something, Professor?"

The younger teacher shifted from foot to foot. If Dean didn't know any better he would have thought that Elric was nervous. "I wouldn't want to intrude on your class…"

"But?"

"But do you think you could stop by my office later? There seems to be a leak in my rooms and a small river of lake water is blocking off my chambers."

 _That's odd_. Dean thought as Lupin agreed to stop by after class. _Why doesn't Elric just fix it himself?_

~o(0)o~

"And can anyone tell me why the 'isa' rune is especially common in orthodox transmutation circles? Miss Weasley?"

Ginny flipped to the correct page in her notes, squinting at the text. _When did it get so dark in here?_ "Because it commands the use of ice and cooling to counteract the heat energy of the transmutation?"

"Yes, but next time give it to me like an answer–if you're going to question yourself why should I listen?"

Ginny nodded and gave the professor a slight smile. Beside her, Luna raised her hand. Elric called on her without blinking–it was common enough for the Ravenclaw to ask all sorts of questions.

Luna's hand went from in the air to pointing at the door leading to Elric's rooms. "Why do you have a coffin in there?"

Instantly everyone was craning their necks to see through the open door into Elric's room. Ginny caught a glimpse of a strange, dark box roughly Elric's size– that most certainly looked like a coffin– before the alchemist strode over and slammed the door closed.

~o(0)o~

Lee tried to focus on drawing perfect circles, but each time he lifted his pencil, he found himself looking up at Elric's desk. Or more specifically the small, light grey _bat_ hanging there. He glanced over at Seamus, who shrugged. What were they supposed to do?

The bat would periodically circle the room, swooping conspicuously close to students who had gotten off-task before returning to its perch. It could have just been a random bat that had flown through the windows. Of course it could.

It could also be a coincidence that any witches wearing crosses were given a wide berth with every fly-by. Of course it could.

Lee wasn't the slightest bit convinced.

On the chalkboard behind the desk, a large message announced that the class period would be a study hall until Professor Elric returned. Lee, along with most of the others, were fairly sure Elric was already back, and in fact had never left.

~o(0)o~

By the Friday's evening meal, the students were wholly convinced that Professor Elric was a vampire.

Hermione was still holding out hope that the alchemy professor would prove them wrong. They had gathered all of the evidence: reported aversion to sunlight, asking permission to enter rooms, enjoying blood, sleeping in coffins, unable to pass running water, a bat in the alchemy classroom, and one of the Hufflepuffs had sworn they saw Elric cringe when the passing bells sounded. This evening would be the final test.

All eyes were on the alchemy professor as the meal began. The students had taken turns throughout the day making their way to the kitchens to request special dishes, and the house elves had honored their requests.

Hermione watched with bated breath as Elric went to pick up his silverware. Would he really touch it?

The alchemist held onto the pure-silver utensils without flinching, and Hermione berated herself for forgetting the professor's habit of wearing gloves at all times: his skin wouldn't come into contact with the metal. That meant the iron serve ware would be useless as well.

"When do you think he'll notice the seeds?" Hermione's knees bumped against the table as she jumped in surprise at the sound of Ron's voice in her ear.

"Shhh! He might hear you!" But now her attention was indeed focused on the bowl of sesame seeds sitting on the staff table. If the professor really was a vampire, then he would have to–

Professor Lupin noticed the bowl and his eyes brightened. Before Elric could so much as glance in the seeds' direction, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had whisked the bowl away to excitedly show Professor Sprout. Hermione caught a snatch of conversation about how well the greenhouse was doing with muggle plants this year.

She continued to watch as Elric danced his way around garlic-laced soups and breads, avoided bowls made from hawthorn and rowan wood, and drank dark red liquid from a hip flask rather than use the provided silver chalice.

"Well that's it." Ron slumped back in his chair as the last of dinner vanished off the tables and dessert began to appear. "We'll have to find a different way to tell."

"No. Wait." Hermione leaned forward in her seat. "There's one thing left."

 _Geranium and vanilla. Together they should be just enough to balance out the scent of the peppermint._ _Now if he would only just…_

In front of Elric, as if the elves below had sensed her request, a large bowl of geranium-and-vanilla-scented (but peppermint flavored) marshmallows materialized. The professor blinked in surprise and sniffed at the air above the treats. Hermione's hopes plummeted as Elric's nose wrinkled and he began to push the bowl away.

Lupin, however, was her saving grace. The older teacher took a hearty bite out of a marshmallow and then gestured between Elric and the bowl enthusiastically. Any suspicions the blond held vanished from his golden eyes and he snatched the next marshmallow away from Lupin's reaching hand, almost as if he was teasing the other professor.

The hall fell silent as Elric popped the whole marshmallow into his mouth. Hermione's breath quickened. She had been afraid that the alchemist would have taken a bite from the corner and only gotten a small dose, but by swallowing it whole, Elric hadn't noticed the peppermint-filled center. Now all they would have to do is wait–

Elric coughed. Hermione watched as the alchemist frowned and rubbed at his chest. Elric turned towards Lupin, his mouth open to ask a question, but all that came out was a series of rough coughs, each one coming louder and more harsh than the last. The glove that pulled away from Elric's mouth was spotted with red.

Lupin put a hand on the blond's shoulder, clearly asking if something was wrong. Elric shrugged away the hand and attempted to stand. The alchemist didn't make it further than pushing back his chair as another wave of coughing crashed into him, and Hermione saw the desperation in his golden eyes as he reached for his throat and collapsed.

"ED!" Lupin was on the ground beside the alchemist, trying to get the younger man to calm down as his body twisted and jerked on the stone floor. Elric's eyes were wider than Hermione had ever seen them as he curled in on himself only to have his back arch involuntarily a second later. There were no screams, no cries for help–only the horrible wet hacking as Elric coughed up a lung.

Then there wasn't even that.

The alchemist lay unmoving on the floor of the hall, eyes wide and unseeing as his mouth remained open in an unfinished cough.

"Ed?"

And then Lupin was sprinting down the center aisle, Elric's unmoving body cradled in his arms. As they passed, Hermione caught sight of the crimson trail leaking from the corner of Elric's mouth.

A weight settled in Hermione's chest as she realized what she had done.

Ron turned to her, eyes wide and face pale. "Hermione…I think you just killed a teacher."

~o(0)o~

Lupin gestured for Elric to move his legs and then sat on the edge of the hospital bed when Ed complied.

"You're a great actor." Remus said. "you nearly had _me_ thinking you were dying for a minute there."

Ed raised an eyebrow, "That's because I was: do you have any idea how strong a mouthful of peppermint is? The mouthful of fake blood was only a slight exaggeration. I think that Granger girl might have a grudge against me."

"I'm sure she just got carried away. She's probably feeling quite guilty about now."

Ed snorted, "Yeah, but that won't stop me from freaking the hell out of those kids when I come back on Monday. Maybe that'll make Granger feel better."

Lupin could already picture the chaos. "I'm pretty sure the only one feeling good will be you. You really enjoy correcting people, don't you?"

Ed hummed. "Yeah. People shouldn't just assume things."

They sat silently for a while, listening to the distant chatter of students moving through the castle during the passing period. From beside him, Lupin felt Ed shift on the mattress.

"You know…" The alchemist began.

"What?"

"After this, no one is going to believe anyone who says you're a werewolf."


	4. Dumbledore Switch II

a/n: I'm love seeing everyone's responses to this story so far! Thank you guys for so many kind reviews and funny suggestions. If you are wondering as to why I am not updating _A Study in Alchemy_ or my newer work _An Unexpected Anomaly_ : I am in the middle of taking a writing class right now, and a chapter here will be all that I can manage for a while. Thank you for your patience, and please enjoy!

 **Background** **:** Seeing as this is the second part of the Dumbledore Switch prompt, I would probably recommend that you at least read the first chapter of Mixtape to understand the situation (if you have not already).

 **Prompt:** Ed switches places with Dumbledore, but for some reason the alchemist still looks like the headmaster. Now that Minerva knows Ed's predicament, she has agreed to let him stay, but what happens as the school year draws ever closer?

 **Note:** This does not continue the story from the previous chapter, but it is a continuation of the first chapter.

 **Key:** ** _  
_** _A key? Really?_ = Thought (or the occasional emphasis)  
 _Clap!_ = Sound effect  
There is nothing left to say. = Everything else  
~o(0)o~ = Change in viewpoint  
~~~v~~~= Time skip

* * *

 **Dumbledore Switch Part 2**

" _Lumos."_ The word sounded ridiculous to the alchemist, but even as he said it a light sprang from the tip of the elder-wood wand. Beside him, McGonagall nodded encouragingly and flipped to the next page in the spell book.

It had taken some convincing from both parties, but eventually they had arrived at a conclusion: Dumbledore was missing (who knew McGonagall would still try to cancel every enchantment in the book?), Ed had no way back (at the moment), and magic was real (that one had taken Ed a long time to accept). From there, it had taken a relatively short time to form a plan of action.

" _Wingardium Leviosa!"_

Thus, McGonagall was teaching Ed magic, and until the time when either Dumbledore returned or the alchemist found a way back to his own world, Ed would for all intents and purposes serve as Hogwarts's Headmaster. Could they have convinced the wizarding world that Dumbledore was missing? Maybe, but certainly not without causing a mass panic. Their decision was made all the more easy when they discovered that to everyone except Minerva, Ed still looked exactly like the headmaster.

"I think that will be all today, Elric." With a flick of her wand the witch organized the pile of textbooks and sent them flying into their appropriate positions on the office's shelves. "Professor Quirrel is supposed to arrive at Hogsmead today, and it would be best for me to meet him at the gates." The ' _before you do'_ hung in the air, but the tension that would have been there a week ago was gone.

For obvious reasons, the transfiguration teacher was now running the business side of Hogwarts. Apparently, she had been doing so for years, and now that Dumbledore was gone, she could focus on improving school policies directly rather than trying to weasel agreements out of the fast-aging headmaster. Ed had been suspicious of how well the woman had taken the loss of the headmaster, but when he saw how competently she was handling the position, he had realized that the headmaster was probably the one holding her back. After working so long under Mustang, Ed knew how to sympathize with those who held ambitions for higher positions, and Minerva seemed to sense that in him.

Really, it was little wonder that Minerva hadn't been placed in the position of Headmaster before Ed had come into the picture.

"Anything you need me to do while you're gone?"

"I wouldn't take away from your research."

The witch left the study, and Ed turned to face the shelves upon shelves in the headmaster's office he had yet to look through. When he had explained more about his world, Minerva had been kind enough to refer some books about alchemy (or what passed for alchemy here) from the school library. However, the _real_ gold mine was in the books Dumbledore owned written by Nicolas Flammel. With a little luck, Ed thought he would he able to find the journals, decode whatever protections were around them, and head back home before the wizarding world could notice.

The alchemist was just pulling out a thick volume of _Madeline's Mystical Madeleines_ (because why not start with the most glaring cliché of translating an alchemical cookbook) when the door opened again.

"Did you miss something, Minerva?"

"P-professor Dumbledore, it's p-p-pleasant to see y-y-you."

Well, _that_ wasn't Minerva. Ed swung around to face a nervous man in dark purple robes, a lighter-colored turban generously wrapped around his head. The man was wringing his hands as his eyes darted around the office, and when Ed took a step towards him he nearly jumped.

"Are you–" The question caught in the alchemist's throat, any idea of the words he was going to say lost as a sense of _wrongness_ flooded over him. It was like a wild beast, grasping and pulling desperately at everything around it to…to…live? It didn't seem dead, but it was just as clearly not alive. Ed tried to identify the source: bookshelf? _No._ Pensive closet? _No._ His desk? _No._

No matter where he looked, Ed's eyes were drawn back to the nervous man. But why would it…?

The man sent him a trembling smile. "Is e-everything alright, P-professor?"

 _There!_ It came as a whisper at the corner of the alchemist's mind, a faint hiss hidden within the stutter of the man's words. Almost as if there was more than one person speaking.

"Who are you."

The man shied away from the cold glare that suddenly sprang into Ed's gaze. "W-what d-d-do you m-m-mean?"

Ed stepped forward with a growl. "I wasn't talking to you." He could see the darkness around the man now, a presence that didn't belong to the man– didn't belong to this world.

Before the man could speak again, the alchemist was beside him, metal fist curling around his robes. Golden eyes pierced through the fabric of the turban, sensing that the evil was hidden inside.

"Y-you're not Dumbledore!" The man squeaked, but then a new voice came, whispering out of the fabric.

"Of coursssse not, idiot." Ed stiffened at the sound, but didn't release his hold. "But why would the old fool put thisss one in charge?"

Eyes narrowed, the alchemist gritted his teeth. "That is none of your business." He stomped towards the door, the man stumbling in tow. He opened the door and cast the man onto the steps. "Leave now and know that this school is protected."

 _Slam!_ Ed waited until the presence retreated before he allowed himself to relax, sinking down the wall beside the door. The tiny clanking sound alerted him to his automail, and when he looked down he found the prosthetic trembling. He used his other arm to hold it down, watching until it stopped shaking.

 _It wasn't that bad._ He thought, but the alchemist wasn't able to convince himself.

 _You've faced bigger_. And he had, but this…this had been different. Different in a way that made it so much worse. He had never been able to _sense_ the evil in someone– _something–_ else. Had that been anything like what Ling and Lanfan sensed in the homunculi?

He had known that hurting the man would have done nothing to the Evil, and the alchemist could only pray that the Thing would stay away, though he doubted it would believe his bluff for long (if it had at all).

But why had It come in the first place?

Footsteps sounded in the stairway, and Ed hurried back to his desk. He could not sense anything out of the ordinary, so he sat down and tried to look like nothing had happened.

"Elric?" Minerva stepped into the office with a frown. "I just saw Quirrel sprinting across the grounds. Did he speak to you?"

"No…wait." _Was that…?_ "Purple robes, shifty eyes, suspicious turban?"

"Well, I don't know about _suspicious_ ," The witch moved to sit across from him. "otherwise yes."

Ed groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "Minerva, we're going to need a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

The transfiguration teacher took one look at the alchemist's disturbed expression and nodded. "I think I know someone."

~~~v~~~

Fifteen minutes later, Ed stared at the moving picture Minerva had placed on the desk. There, grinning like a buffoon while attempting to flip his pitiful blond hair seductively, was a man the newspaper claimed was "the dream of every young witch and the terror of every nightmare."

"You want... Gilderoy _Lockhart_ to replace Quirrel?"

"Most definitely." The witch gave a sharp nod.

Ed looked between the picture and his new mentor. He was just about to ask if Minerva was feeling ill when he caught the corner of her lips twitch. "I can see why." He kept his expression as neutral as he could manage while pointing at the fool's _literally_ _twinkling_ teeth. "With a smile like that, what wraith could even put up a fight?"

"Indeed." The professor nodded. "And his skills with new, inventive spells that sound to the untrained ear as complete gibberish are simply astounding."

He stroked his chin in mock consideration. "You know, Minerva, I'm beginning to think we should make him the new headmaster." The witch raised her eyebrows, her expression prompting the alchemist to continue. "The only problem I can imagine would be that the students would be too amazed by his presence to do anything less than worship the ground he walks on!"

Silence. Minerva's face twitched as she tried to hold back her laughter. Ed played his final card, putting the picture beside his own face. "What do you think, Minerva?" He gave his best attempt at a sickeningly sweet smile, thrust out his hips, and flipped his hair dramatically, "Can I ever be as handsome?"

 _CRASH!_ The pair spun around at the sound. There, standing stunned among the shattered remains of a crate of potions, was Snape. The potions master's eyes were wide and unfocused as he stumbled back to the door, fumbled for the handle, and hurriedly exited the room.

The second the door was closed Ed and Minerva burst out laughing.

"Did you see the look on his face?!" Ed laughed, holding his side as he pointed at where Severus had just been standing.

Minerva was laughing so hard that she was gasping by the time she was able to compose herself enough to respond. "I think- ha- that- ha- was probably because- ha ha- you still look like Dumbledore to him." This sent them both into an whole new fit of laughter, tears rolling down their faces as they sought the support of Ed's desk to stay standing.

"Hahaha! Hahaha. Haha. Ha. Heh. heh. Oh, ow. Please- hah- don't say anything else- hah-" Ed begged, his head pressed into his arm, "It hurts too much to- hah- laugh."

It took another ten minutes before the two were able to look at each other without falling into painful cackling, but eventually Ed wiped his eyes and looked down at the picture again.

"Whoooh. Okay. Just to make sure we're on the same page: we are NOT hiring this guy?"

"Merlin's beard, no!" Minerva replied immediately. "That man needs more teaching than the students!" The witch reached into the fold of her robes and pulled out a different folder. "This is the man we want."

"Is he qualified?" Ed took the parchment document and broke the seal.

Minerva nodded. "He has more experience than most with creatures of darkness, but it's the good head on his shoulders that qualifies him for the job over anything else."

"Sounds like a good man." Ed agreed, looking down at the file. "So then: when do I get to meet Mister Remus Lupin?"

* * *

a/n: I am considering breaking this story off of Mixtape to make it its own work. For some reason I just can't get this story line out of my head. Any suggestions? As of now, I might just interspace chapters of Dumbledore Switch between the other additions to Mixtape.


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